Quick Review - Spiders 3D (2013)
Rating: Forgettable
Themes/Genres: Sci-Fi/Horror, Spiders
Main Characters: Jason, Rachel
Director/Writer/Publisher: Tibor Takács/Joseph Farruggia/Millennium Films
Summary:
After a Soviet space station crashes into a New York City subway tunnel, a species of venomous spiders is discovered, and soon they mutate to gigantic proportions and wreak havoc on the city.
Review:
You know you're in for an excessively in-your-face time as soon as you see the words '3D' in the title of a movie. As soon as the 3D technology got popular everyone had to release or re-release something in EYE-POPPING THREEE-DEEE!!! Even when it was vastly unnecessary and, honestly, usually made the movie worse rather than improving it, especially considering they usually focused way too heavily on making things pop out at you rather than... subtly taking advantage of the ability to do so. Final Destination, Saw, and My Bloody Valentine are all prime examples of how to not do 3D movies.
That said, I actually have to commend Spiders 3D... for being one of those rare 3D movies that you can actually watch normally without rolling your eyes every other scene because shit's popping out at the screen pointlessly. There are only a couple of really obvious scenes made for eye-popping but overall, it looks like a normal damn movie. So kudos on that level, movie. You get that brownie.
However.
There was still plenty wrong to make up for that. It wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, of course, it wasn't infuriatingly bad, which is frankly surprising considering spiders were involved and the movie gets a lot wrong about them. Right down to calling them insects (they're not, they're arachnids, not the same thing).
To steal a quote from my BF about it:
"My favorite part of the movie was when the male spiders laid the egg for their queen, so that their insectile forms could infect people by biting them with their many rows of teeth, which couldn't be killed by machine-guns and rocket-launchers but were easily susceptible to a forklift and a subway train.."
Basically a summation of everything wrong with the movie in a paragraph. First off, males can't lay eggs? That's not how biology for literally anything works. In the movie it is a major (unnecessarily complicated) plot point that there's only one female egg and all the rest of the spiders are male. That are infecting people by biting them. And laying eggs in them. The male spiders.
Which brings me to the next point... that's not how spiders work. Spiders aren't bees or ants, they don't do the whole 'Queen' thing. Spiders are solo creatures. They don't do packs, they don't do queens, they barely even tolerate each other's' presences. There are exceptions, of course, such as the cellar spider. The reason they can get out of hand so quickly is because they're one of the few breeds that actually don't mind being around other spiders so they multiply and cover your basement in webs far quicker. There are also a few (mostly tropical) species that live in actual communities, but it still isn't a queen-situation. It's just a bunch of spiders agreeing not to eat each other. Most of the time.
My point is, spiders aren't bees or ants. Female spiders, while they do tend to rule the spider kingdom with their larger sizes and abilities to actually spin a web (males can't), don't really do the Queen thing. They certainly don't rely on male spiders for anything, especially food.
Moving on, before this turns into an essay about spiders, the way the movie decides these giant spiders can be killed is super inconsistent. One is killed by getting rammed into a pile of palettes with a forklift... while others are being shot repeatedly with machine guns and shrugging it off. You can't do both, movie. The giant Queen Spider literally ignores being shot several times with rocket launchers... but is ultimately killed by a train explosion.
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| That is legitimately the ugliest spider I've ever seen... |
Main Character Plot Armor vs Main Villain Plot Armor.
Main Character Plot Armor holding strong in this movie.
So strong.
You know what wasn't very strong in this movie, though? Main Human Villain forethought. When they first discover the spiders (and are apparently working with the Russian scientists who created them? That shit's never explained) whatever government power is in charge creates a drastically unnecessary amount of lies and ruses to cover up what's actually going on. They start all this nonsense about a virus outbreak and start actively attacking the two main characters with the Queen egg instead of just.... going in and asking for it? And quarantining their daughter? Like there's an actual virus when BOTH of the main characters AND the scientists are fully aware there's no virus.
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| This guy right here? This guy's an idiot. |
They go so far out of their way to keep up this virus ruse that it actually just makes things worse. If they had just asked for the eggs in the first place saying "hey, lemme have this shit inspected" they stage a car theft. You're just making yourself look so much more suspicious and pissing the main characters off enough to thwart whatever evil plan you have that way. Not that any of it really mattered in the end. The Queen breaks free of the underground, walks down the street fucking some cars up, and then goes right back underground to be killed by a train.
Honestly, having the government agency be part of problem just created unnecessary conflict that the movie probably would have done better without. The conflict should be the giant spiders, not some random military head who makes really stupidly pointless decisions that amount to nothing. Frankly, the spiders barely even felt like the main conflict. Even when the massive Queen Spider finally appears she just stabs the scientist, squishes the babysitter.... and goes back underground like "nah fuck this shit, I'm a spider, I like dark quiet places."
Also, there was some sort of alien DNA involved? Also meant nothing in the long run. What was the alien race? Why did they crash in the mountains? Where are they now? Are they all dead? Why were the spiders the best hosts for the DNA? Why did they lay eggs when they bit people? Why was the American military working with the Russian scientists? Why did the spiders sound like guinea pigs half the time and compressed Godzillas the other half the time? (spiders don't squeal or roar, by the way, movie. They chitter at best)
WHO KNOWS?!
I sure as hell don't.
All-in-all... not a terrible movie... but I'm probably going to forget I even watched it in a few months. The spiders were kinda ugly, they missed a prime opportunity to show spider kitty paws, and there was actually really minimal destruction caused by the spiders, themselves. They mostly just killed some subway rats, some homeless people, and some army guys. In fact, the only ones who even destroyed any buildings were the army guys shooting a rocket at the spider... that missed. And blew up a store, instead. Good shot, guys.
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| Seriously, look at those tiny adorable little kitty paws. Imagine if they were big enough to see. Missed opportunity.<3 td=""> |
So, if you want a movie that just makes you question "but... why?" the entire time, give this one a watch. (Seriously, my notes are full of that), otherwise... just go watch Eight-Legged Freaks... or Ice Spiders. I don't actually remember most of Ice Spiders but I know the spiders were massive and a bunch of actual real breeds. So that's a thing. Anyway, that's my way longer than it was meant to be view on 'Spiders 3D'!
